Christopher A. Brown, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a US based organisation, recently wrote an interesting article in the Huffington Post, wherein he quite rightly suggests that it may help to teach children to ask 4 critical questions that have helped his own kids to ‘navigate conflict and come out other side more self-aware:

1. What was my role in creating this conflict?
2. Does the way I’ve acted during this conflict represent the kind of person I want to be?
3. Are the decisions I’ve made during this conflict in line with the kind of person I want to be?
4. If I saw someone else behave in the way I’ve behaved during this conflict, what would I think?

Now, these questions are exactly the types of questions I use and promote in my work with teenagers. However here is the key point I want to make to all the Dad’s out there.

Unless as an adult and parent, I demonstrate these in my actions, I’m wasting oxygen trying to tell them how to use them.

The reason is that modelling behaviours is more powerful than telling or lecturing.

You need to ask:
Does my son see me behave respectfully to my partner?
Does he hear me make disrespectful comments about women?

From a very early age, children are incredibly observant. They will watch their parent intently from facial expressions, to tone of voice to the actions in the context of the situation. As they get older they will experiment with what they’ve observed.

Now, it’s not just parents and other adults that your child will model from; other children, too, will strongly influence your child’s behaviour. So, if the child does not see loving, respectful and co-operative behaviour, it is less likely to put it into practice. This also includes sharing, compassion, co-operation and problem-solving, including the ancient art of compromise.

Now, back to the original questions. I think it imperative that I as a father, husband and partner demonstrate these questions through my own actions, how I speak and what I say.

Next time you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, remember your children are watching!
Remember what you want to teach your children and SHOW THEM what that looks like so what you say makes sense to them.

http://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood/4-vital-questions