Recently I sat in a session with the parents of a teenage boy. They had come to see me deeply concerned about their son’s ‘internet addiction’. It was their definition of his behaviour, one not offered by me. However, having worked with all forms of addictions, I felt that they possibly had a point. Their son’s life had become singularly focused on his on-line world to the detriment of his health (he was eating at irregular times and then mostly fast foods), was belligerent and aggressive if asked to curb online time, and made no efforts in his studies.

The sad story is that this couple are not in the minority. So much so, that the issue has attracted a great deal of attention. Including that of Philip Zimbardo and Nikita D. Coulombe who addressed the issue of men and technology in their book Man (Dis) connected: How technology has sabotaged what it means to be male.

After Chris Baraniuk, a freelance science and technology journalist read, and reviewed the book, and interviewed the authors, Chris lamented that he had hoped that the book would give him a greater understanding of his gender, but all it did was to raise more questions. Now I like anything that allows me to pursue more questions, however I feel his frustration.

Having read the book, I have to agree with him. In their focus on technology, Zimbardo and Coulombe have tragically missed the point around the real causes of the demise of men. In what could have been a more serious contender, in a meaningful dialogue about the understanding of traditional masculine behaviours and why technology has had such an appeal to men, Zimbardo and Coulombe do not offer a deeper understanding of the issues confronting men and masculinity.

As much as I truly respect someone of Zimbardo’s calibre in the field of psychology, I too, had to conclude that, like many, he and his co-author appeared to miss the opportunity to find a more comprehensive understanding of the nature, history and psyche of traditional masculinity. And subsequently, and in my view, wrongly, attribute men’s decline on the advent of technology, especially the Internet.

Chris astutely observes that ‘We read a lot in Zimbardo’s book about how the world is unfair to men, and how they spend their time chasing all kinds of ineffectual pursuits and avoid reality and responsibility. But where does this spring from? That is the question we must answer if we’re serious about saving guys.’ 

Here’s the thing. Technology is NOT to blame. And society? We, men laid the very foundation of this society. We have created the very beast that haunts us. Our demise as men is our responsibility, we are its cause. Patriarchy by nature is exploitive and we have become both it’s masters and more importantly, its slaves.

I started this blog with the notion of addiction. An addiction is not so much about the object of our addiction, like a drug, cards, or work, it is about being disconnected. And most men are addicted to doing rather than being, to owning, striving and beating others.   It is not the object of our addiction that is the problem. Addiction is the disconnection from my authentic self in a way that doesn’t allow me to connect with those around me in a meaningful way.

And our addiction to patriarchy is exacting its toll. Einstein put it brilliantly when he observed that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In view of that definition, I do not hesitate to declare patriarchy as a state of insanity. We need to own that we have brought our demise on ourselves.

If we, men, want to thrive and reap the benefits of the sort of changes women have succeeded in, then we need to accept responsibility, and begin to change to a healthier and more authentic and ethical way of being.

Taking responsibility and ownership! That takes real courage. 

So, if you are interested in rejecting the insane and accept reason, then talk to me. Come and visit www.goodmengreat.com and become part of the solution. More to the point, be part of a lasting legacy that starts with you.

To set up an exploratory conversation, please contact rebecca@goodmengreat.com.